About Mental Health. A topic that is very dear to my heart and something I've struggled with for longer than I realised. Throughout my teen years I knew something wasn't quite right but hated the idea of opening up about how I felt because I saw it as showing a sign of weakness. I was always to busy being the rock for other people to bother about my wellbeing. Being black, mental illness just wasn't something that was talked about or really understood. When I finally did decide to talk about it all I would ever hear was 'well what have you got to be depressed about, your life is fine' or 'well just try to be happy and you'll be fine'. And I don't blame my parents for those responses because I don't think they really knew what to do.
Stress was, and still can be, a massive trigger for me. I used to have a severe fear of failure and constantly felt that I had to live up to the level of attainment my brother had achieved. This resulted in me putting way too much pressure on myself which culminated in panic attacks in pretty much every exam period I had until I finished university last year. For me, my self-worth was linked to exam grades; if my grades were shit I'd take it extremely hard and when they were good, to me they were never good enough.
I would also get social anxiety when it came to new situations. I would overthink things so much that, by the time the day came, I would make up an excuse not to go purely because the thought of going made me physically sick. Or if I managed to make it, I would spend 99% of my time hiding in a corner until it was time to leave. My third year of university was probably the worst I've ever felt. Most nights I would go to sleep hoping I wouldn't wake up the next morning. The level of stress I put myself under was ridiculous and I could literally feel myself falling into a pit but couldn't find a way to stop it. I constantly had a voice in my head telling me that I wasn't good enough, wasn't pretty enough and that I would never succeed at anything. I felt like I was drowning in a black hole but never reached out for help because I didn't want to burden anyone with my problems. And all through this I would find comfort in food in such an unhealthy way. There were days where I would eat nothing and then days when I would binge and binge and binge then feel shit about myself. The longer this continued, the worse I felt about myself until any little self-confidence I had was non-existent.
Breaking out of that cycle and that mentality was extremely challenging. As mentioned before, I hate burdening people with things but this was something that I had to admit I needed help with. And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it shows that you see you have a problem and are actively trying to do something about it. I still have days where getting out of bed is a struggle and where the thought of going somewhere new makes me freak out but I've learnt to ride the waves as they come and to manage stress better so it doesn't build up to an unmanageable level. And I've learnt to talk. Talking is so important. Knowing that you have someone to talk to, whether that be a family member, a close friend, a therapist or a helpline can make all the difference. Samaritans is a charity that is very dear to my heart because of how much it helped me. The anonymity made me feel like I wasn't be judged for feeling the way I did. I eventually got myself a therapist, a luxury that I appreciate not everyone is able to access. Working with her helped me be able to see when an attack or a bad day is going to happen and try to curb it before it becomes full blown. If you are going through a rough time due to your mental health I urge you to talk. To family, friends, your doctor, or Samaritans (details below). Open up. It does not make you weak. In fact, you are stronger than you realise for battling with yourself day in day out.
116 123 (UK & ROI)
jo@samaritans.org
Your mind can be both your best friend and your worst enemy. There are days when you think it's never going to get better. That you'd rather it all end than be a burden to your loved ones. But that is a permanent solution to what truly is a temporary problem. To anyone out there struggling please please please remember, it always gets better. Maybe not right away, but one day, one week, one month or one year from now it will get better. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how long that tunnel may seem.
All my love, Fran x
*prints from Desenio. Find them here and here
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